no break is even

It was a beautiful Sunday morning. As usual, she slept late, ignoring the rays of sunshine that were trying to peek through her curtains. She was lazily laying in bed, dreaming of better days. Soon, however, she would have to wake up and face the reality of it all: it was over.

Two days ago, Kanai had told her it was all over. He invited her for diner, and just told her in the middle of their entrees that he had to end it with her. The reason he gave her was that his mother insisted he went back home to finally marry his betrothed. She did not know what to think, much less what to say. She kept on eating her pasta, trying to hold the tears from rolling on her face. By dessert, he was ready to say his goodbyes. He payed the check and left without even giving her a second glance.

She gave him enough time to disappear into the night, for her to leave the crowded restaurant. She did not know what she was going to do. She knew this moment would happen someday. But in the back of her mind, she had decided to ignore it, praying that it would never. And as the relationship went on, she truly believed that Kanai and she were meant to be, and would prevail. Now, it was all over: her dreams, her future, her life...

She met Kanai three years ago at the school cafeteria. He was a foreign student in need of a tutor and she was the one assigned to him. At the beginning, she was not eager to mentor him. She had already so much on her plate with her studies. However, Kanai won her over with his charming personality. He was a tall, svelte man in his early twenties. He was not someone you would call handsome but he had very attractive features. He had skin the color of mocca and a smile that could melt an iceberg. And once you knew him, he was a very interesting person. He knew so much about politics, economics, history and even trivial things. He never ceased to amaze people about how much he knew or how much he was eager to learn. Kanai came from Bangladesh to study physics in the US. He had hopes of becoming an engineer and making it in this country. And her role as a tutor would be to help him adapt to this new American life.

She would meet him very often at the beginning of the school year to help him with class enrollments but also for his legal papers. Kanai was a quick learner and soon enough he did not need her at all. However, he insisted on seeing her. He even went so far as to call her from time to time to ask questions that she already answered to. She kind of guessed that Kanai was romantically interested in her. She did not know what to do about it. She knew she liked the guy but she was not interested in having a relation with a foreigner. Besides, she had enough on her plate with her own studies.

Amid all her apprehensions, she found herself in Kanai's arms one night after he walked her back to her place. He was kissing her gently on her lips and she did not stop him. They started dating right after. Kanai was fun to be around as a friend, but he was even more interesting as a boyfriend. He was so affectionate and romantic: giving her flowers, sending her e-cards, taking her on dates outside the school campus. She felt like a queen. Kanai was the perfect gentleman, the prince that she has been looking for in all the frogs she kissed in her past life. He was the answer to all her prayers, uttered or not.

Things were supposed to be perfect between them. And they were until she discovered how attached he was to his family back in Bangladesh. He would drop everything he was doing, her included, at the drop of the hat, when his mother called him. And he would go into this dark mood soon after he ended the call. He was feeling homesick and there was nothing she could do about it. However, Kanai worse flaw would appear when they were around other Bangladesh people. For some reason, he would not show to them that he was involved with her. At first, she thought that it was because he was ashamed of her. But after confronting him, he finally confessed that he was engaged to be married back home. And since he was from a prominent family back in Bangladesh, everyone from his country knew him and of his engagement. She did not know what to tell him. Her first reaction was to try to understand about this engagement. He calmly explained to her that he was promised to another girl from another important family. And that they were set to marry as soon as he graduates. She wondered if he could get out of this engagement and he made it clear that it was impossible. Doing so would bring shame to his family.

- So what are we supposed to do? She finally had the courage to ask him

He was sitting on her bed, hugging his knees. She could see that he was in pain but for some reasons she could not reach out to him. He waited a good minute before saying:

- We would have to break up. I have to be honest with you. I do not think I can break up this engagement. When I got involved with you, everything was so quick. I knew I could not be with you but I had hope that in time I would find a solution to my dilemma.

She could not answer. She knew that she loved him. And she knew that he loved her. They were great together. Even her family and her friends had accepted him. How could they end it? So she did the crazy thing: she went over to him, kissed him and said:

- We will figure it out someday. But for now, let us just enjoy ourselves.

That was three years ago. They never did figure it out. In fact, they never even brushed the subject again. He did not say a thing. And she did not ask a thing. It was the perfect don't ask, don't tell policy between them. And after a while, she put this stupid engagement in the back of her mind. And it eventually disappeared from her life. There she was making plans for after graduation with Kanai. He was one year his junior. She already had a stable job, working as a junior editor in a local magazine. But she was planning to move in with Kanai after he graduated. He would get a job soon enough and they would make plans for their future: marriage, house, children. Everything would go as planned.

Today, as she woke up, she realized that all her dreams had been crushed. She did not know what to do about it except cry. However, she did not allow herself to cry one more tear after the sea she cried last night. She would go on in her life. That is what people do when they face a tragedy; they survive and they go one, making other plans. She did not have the courage to make one just yet but she knew she needed one or several. She got up from her bed and made herself some coffee. Then she opened the drapes. As she sensed, it was beautiful outside. On such a great day, Kanai and she would have been strolling hand in hand in the park near the campus. Or he would have rented a car and drove her to the nearest shore. But she could not let her mind wandered back to him just yet. The memories were too painful. She decided that it was best for her survival to just get angry at him. "The coward!", she thought. "He just drop this ball on my lap in the middle of diner. And how dare he left me just like that, like I was nothing. I gave this man everything, three years of my life, my time, my commitment, my support, my body, my soul, my love and he just gets up and walks out of my life. How could he? " She was getting worked up thinking about his cowardice. She was so angry that she could not see that in all this, she was the big enabler. She allowed Kanai to just do that: walk away. Because she was so stupid for not facing him when it was needed. Instead she buried her head in the sand and hoped that things would work out. And they did not.

Three weeks later, she saw some interesting headlines at msn.com. Kanai's lavish wedding was featured. She saw pictures of him wearing a gold embroidered Punjabi. By his side was a beautiful Bangladesh woman wearing a red and golden Saree and tons of gold jewelry. She stared at the pictures for a long time. Kanai was smiling. He seemed happy among family and friends. But the coup de grace was that he was looking at his bride with so much love.

In the weeks after their break up, she had came to term with the sordid affair by convincing herself that Kanai loved her and her only; and that he was going back to get married only by duty to his family. She rationalized by thinking that he was a good man who put the happiness of his family before his. She thought that he would never forget her and that maybe in time, he would find a way to come back to her. Now, after reading the article and seeing the pictures, she realized that she had been dreaming. Kanai was over her while she was obviously still "under him". It is funny how when hearts break, they never seem to break even.