My girl is telling me that she is finally getting married. She is over the moon happy but she has great apprehensions. She is worried about the wedding venue, that she will fit in her dress, get along with her in laws and never join the growing ranks of divorces. Horror stories I told her over the years did not help at all. I try to relax her by giving her reassuring advice: "Everything will be fine! Your wedding will be great. You keep on eating apple for breakfast and dinner and you will fit in that dress. Your in laws are going to be so in love with you. You and what's his name are going to live happily ever after." Then it hit me. I was lying. I was lying to my best friend of all people. I always told her the truth about that gorgeous dress that did not fit her at all, about that short do that was not her, that she should sue after being sexually harassed at work, that she should dump that good for nothing boyfriend of hers. I told it all to her and had to scream at times she did not want to listen. And here I was buying supportive and lying my ass off. What my best friend did not need was another so called friend telling her lies. What she needed was the truth (or at least what I thought was the truth).
I took another sip at my Chai, readjusted my necklace, looked her right in her eyes and told her this:
"I am really happy that you are getting married and with what's his name. He is a great man and I am sure he will make you happy. But there are things you need to know about marriage, things other married women would not admit to you. There are things your Mother, rest her soul would have told you. But since she is not here, I will tell them to you from a married woman to a soon to be:
1- Talk about it
Before you say I do, it is important to sit down and talk about everything with your man. Talk about your goals, your values, your priorities, how many children do you want, if you plan on continuing to work after the baby (ies) are born, how you are going to share the chores, how you are going to divide the income, how do you want to raise your children. Do not leave it to chance. Have it all out just to avoid surprises along the road.
2- Marriage is war
It is sad but marriage is often pictured as being this peaceful and happy adventure. Yet in reality it is war. You will have to fight against all odds. You will have to fight him and yourself. sometimes at the same time. Often you will find yourselves wanting different things. But since you do not want to part ways, you will have to compromise. It is hard, but if you get your priorities straight and know why you are fighting, things will be easier.
3- Choose your battles
You will find couples who will fight for every little thing. But if you want a stable and healthy relationship, choose your battle. Let him take over the remote control if he wants to. As long as he understands that tomorrow he will have to let you watch your Sex and the city marathon. What I am trying to say is that you should stand your ground on things that really matters to you and fight for them. If not, let it go.
4- Do him often
Men crave sex. Men need sex. Sometimes they will stalk you until you cave, other times you will have to do the work. Sex is very important in a marriage. If you have a healthy sex life, then you will have a good marriage. I will not tell you how many times in a week you will have to do. But let me tell you that having a headache is not a valuable excuse not to. Actually it has proven that it cures headaches. So if he pokes you while you are having one, just give it a try.
5- Do it dirty
Often, after a few years of marriage, couples fall into a routine. They do it the same way or do it less. In the long run, you will end with him looking somewhere else or both of you being very frustrated. Make a change to that routine. Surprise him at work (if you can). Wear something shockingly provocative inside the bedroom. Give him a lap dance if he is into that kind of thing. The thing is men want whores in the bedroom. I am not saying you are one but be one once in a while.
6- Keep yourself pretty
Women tend to let go after getting married. Men do as well. But we are not talking about them here. Just because you are married, probably with kids does not mean that you have to sacrifice your appearance. Be clean, get a mani pedi if must, do your hair, wear make up, dress well in and out of the house, go on a diet if you think you gained too much weight. If your man sees you making efforts, he will also do his part.
7- Obey, obey and do what you want
Men like women who are submissive. Some will say that it is not true but it is. So do not say no to him for the sake of saying no. If he is asking you something that is reasonable, do it even if you are against it ( I am not talking about something major like having a threesome with that sexy secretary of his). And often you will find that you can get your way once you become totally submissive to him. There will come a time when you will do exactly what you want whether he likes it or not just because you have been such a good wife in the past.
8- Respect his Mother (parents)
If you are lucky, his parents will be these sweet people who you can turn into allies. If you are not, they will work against you and sabotage your marriage. But it does not matter as long as you are respectable towards them. Pay them the same respect you do your parents and even more. After all they are the reason why the fabulous human being you are in love with exists. Be grateful towards them, cook for them (if you can), offer them presents, try to build a bridge between them and their son if there are some problems between them without meddling. If his parents are causing you problems, never ask him to take your side (particularly because it is a battle you will loose). But ask for his cooperation and understanding.
9- Do not nag
You will probably not want to come home to a person who is constantly complaining about their spouse, their work, or their life. So why do the same? Men want to come home to soothing women not to screaming ones. So if you are a screamer, tone it down. And if you are a crier, hold your tears. And do not complain about him. The more you talk, the less he will listen. If you want to make a point, sit him down and have a heart to heart with him.
10- Bitch about it to your girlfriend
Sometimes women will talk about a problem they have with their men, and the latter will try to fix it. In reality women are looking for someone who will hear them and be supportive instead of trying to fix their problems. If it the case with you at that time, bitch about your problem to your best friend. She will be the shoulder you can cry on. You man will either laugh out loud, blame you or give you a rational solution you do not want to hear about.
11- Show him an opposite side of you once in a while
Men often take so much from us because we tend to let them. Therefore, it s good that he sees what you are really capable of once in a while. If you are good nature and forgiving, scream at him from the top of your lungs and threaten his life. Have a fit, a mental breakdown. If you are a screamer in good times, just be really quiet and reasonable for a while. It will scare him so much that he will think twice before treating you poorly from now on.
12- Forgive him
Your man cheated on you. You found out about it or he told you. He tells you it was a mistake, he will break it off and begs for your forgiveness. I say if you find in your heart the courage to forgive him, then do it. But you will also need to muster the courage to trust him again no matter what. If you cannot find that courage, then a) cheat on him for revenge (at which point you can forget about keeping your marriage alive); b) cut his dick off and feed it to the crows (but you may be sent to jail). If you think he is not worth the trouble, dump his ass.
13- Prepare your divorce
People often forget that a divorce is something you should get ready for just like a marriage. You need to be emotionally and physically ready but more importantly financially ready. I suggest that you do no rely entirely on your man for money. You work, you have a salary. Save some of that money for you and only you in a bank account he does not need to know about. Think of this money as your insurance. If things work out and you are still together forever, use it. If not, you will have something to start up your new life without him.
14- Do not expect to be treated like a princess if you do not act like one
Often a woman gets called a bitch and gets mad for it. I say if you act like a bitch, you deserve to be called a bitch. Granted he may never call you the b word, do not expect you to treat good just because. Show him that you deserve to be loved and treated good. Treat him well, be a compassionate listener, be his friend, his mother, his sex toy. If you do everything necessary for him, he will do everything necessary for you. And if he does not, you can let him know (although it is not very princess behavior) or just dump him for someone who will.
15- Always take his side
Men are fighters. That is how they are created. Often they will have this wild argument with someone and you will be in the crossfire. Try to calm him down if you can but never tell him that he is wrong in front of the other party. Take him somewhere else, apologize to the other party (when he is not there) if you have to. When it is just the two of you and he is calm enough to see reason, let him know that his behavior was not acceptable. Let him know that you understand where he is coming from (even if you do not) but that he cannot have a screaming match like that ever again. Then you hug him hard. Men are like children after all."
After my speech, I took a sip of my Chai that was cold by now. I was exhausted after talking so much. My friend looked at me like what I just said was crap. For a moment, I felt that she thought I was nuts for telling her all this. She who doubted me, must have been convinced that married life had jaded me after this talk. But then as I was giving up on her, she reached for my hand and squeezed it hard. I could see the tears she was trying to hold back. She said to me:
"Thank you for telling me the truth. Promise that you will always do so even if I do not want to hear it. Promise you will be by my side when I am happy or devastated in my marriage. I need you. I may not agree with everything you say. Hell, I even think you are nuts for telling me some of that stuff. But I am happy you did because I needed it. And let us face it, you have been married longer than I even had a serious relationship. So I trust you."
I squeezed her hand back and together we tried not to let the tears coming to our eyes, roll on our Chais.
I took another sip at my Chai, readjusted my necklace, looked her right in her eyes and told her this:
"I am really happy that you are getting married and with what's his name. He is a great man and I am sure he will make you happy. But there are things you need to know about marriage, things other married women would not admit to you. There are things your Mother, rest her soul would have told you. But since she is not here, I will tell them to you from a married woman to a soon to be:
1- Talk about it
Before you say I do, it is important to sit down and talk about everything with your man. Talk about your goals, your values, your priorities, how many children do you want, if you plan on continuing to work after the baby (ies) are born, how you are going to share the chores, how you are going to divide the income, how do you want to raise your children. Do not leave it to chance. Have it all out just to avoid surprises along the road.
2- Marriage is war
It is sad but marriage is often pictured as being this peaceful and happy adventure. Yet in reality it is war. You will have to fight against all odds. You will have to fight him and yourself. sometimes at the same time. Often you will find yourselves wanting different things. But since you do not want to part ways, you will have to compromise. It is hard, but if you get your priorities straight and know why you are fighting, things will be easier.
3- Choose your battles
You will find couples who will fight for every little thing. But if you want a stable and healthy relationship, choose your battle. Let him take over the remote control if he wants to. As long as he understands that tomorrow he will have to let you watch your Sex and the city marathon. What I am trying to say is that you should stand your ground on things that really matters to you and fight for them. If not, let it go.
4- Do him often
Men crave sex. Men need sex. Sometimes they will stalk you until you cave, other times you will have to do the work. Sex is very important in a marriage. If you have a healthy sex life, then you will have a good marriage. I will not tell you how many times in a week you will have to do. But let me tell you that having a headache is not a valuable excuse not to. Actually it has proven that it cures headaches. So if he pokes you while you are having one, just give it a try.
5- Do it dirty
Often, after a few years of marriage, couples fall into a routine. They do it the same way or do it less. In the long run, you will end with him looking somewhere else or both of you being very frustrated. Make a change to that routine. Surprise him at work (if you can). Wear something shockingly provocative inside the bedroom. Give him a lap dance if he is into that kind of thing. The thing is men want whores in the bedroom. I am not saying you are one but be one once in a while.
6- Keep yourself pretty
Women tend to let go after getting married. Men do as well. But we are not talking about them here. Just because you are married, probably with kids does not mean that you have to sacrifice your appearance. Be clean, get a mani pedi if must, do your hair, wear make up, dress well in and out of the house, go on a diet if you think you gained too much weight. If your man sees you making efforts, he will also do his part.
7- Obey, obey and do what you want
Men like women who are submissive. Some will say that it is not true but it is. So do not say no to him for the sake of saying no. If he is asking you something that is reasonable, do it even if you are against it ( I am not talking about something major like having a threesome with that sexy secretary of his). And often you will find that you can get your way once you become totally submissive to him. There will come a time when you will do exactly what you want whether he likes it or not just because you have been such a good wife in the past.
8- Respect his Mother (parents)
If you are lucky, his parents will be these sweet people who you can turn into allies. If you are not, they will work against you and sabotage your marriage. But it does not matter as long as you are respectable towards them. Pay them the same respect you do your parents and even more. After all they are the reason why the fabulous human being you are in love with exists. Be grateful towards them, cook for them (if you can), offer them presents, try to build a bridge between them and their son if there are some problems between them without meddling. If his parents are causing you problems, never ask him to take your side (particularly because it is a battle you will loose). But ask for his cooperation and understanding.
9- Do not nag
You will probably not want to come home to a person who is constantly complaining about their spouse, their work, or their life. So why do the same? Men want to come home to soothing women not to screaming ones. So if you are a screamer, tone it down. And if you are a crier, hold your tears. And do not complain about him. The more you talk, the less he will listen. If you want to make a point, sit him down and have a heart to heart with him.
10- Bitch about it to your girlfriend
Sometimes women will talk about a problem they have with their men, and the latter will try to fix it. In reality women are looking for someone who will hear them and be supportive instead of trying to fix their problems. If it the case with you at that time, bitch about your problem to your best friend. She will be the shoulder you can cry on. You man will either laugh out loud, blame you or give you a rational solution you do not want to hear about.
11- Show him an opposite side of you once in a while
Men often take so much from us because we tend to let them. Therefore, it s good that he sees what you are really capable of once in a while. If you are good nature and forgiving, scream at him from the top of your lungs and threaten his life. Have a fit, a mental breakdown. If you are a screamer in good times, just be really quiet and reasonable for a while. It will scare him so much that he will think twice before treating you poorly from now on.
12- Forgive him
Your man cheated on you. You found out about it or he told you. He tells you it was a mistake, he will break it off and begs for your forgiveness. I say if you find in your heart the courage to forgive him, then do it. But you will also need to muster the courage to trust him again no matter what. If you cannot find that courage, then a) cheat on him for revenge (at which point you can forget about keeping your marriage alive); b) cut his dick off and feed it to the crows (but you may be sent to jail). If you think he is not worth the trouble, dump his ass.
13- Prepare your divorce
People often forget that a divorce is something you should get ready for just like a marriage. You need to be emotionally and physically ready but more importantly financially ready. I suggest that you do no rely entirely on your man for money. You work, you have a salary. Save some of that money for you and only you in a bank account he does not need to know about. Think of this money as your insurance. If things work out and you are still together forever, use it. If not, you will have something to start up your new life without him.
14- Do not expect to be treated like a princess if you do not act like one
Often a woman gets called a bitch and gets mad for it. I say if you act like a bitch, you deserve to be called a bitch. Granted he may never call you the b word, do not expect you to treat good just because. Show him that you deserve to be loved and treated good. Treat him well, be a compassionate listener, be his friend, his mother, his sex toy. If you do everything necessary for him, he will do everything necessary for you. And if he does not, you can let him know (although it is not very princess behavior) or just dump him for someone who will.
15- Always take his side
Men are fighters. That is how they are created. Often they will have this wild argument with someone and you will be in the crossfire. Try to calm him down if you can but never tell him that he is wrong in front of the other party. Take him somewhere else, apologize to the other party (when he is not there) if you have to. When it is just the two of you and he is calm enough to see reason, let him know that his behavior was not acceptable. Let him know that you understand where he is coming from (even if you do not) but that he cannot have a screaming match like that ever again. Then you hug him hard. Men are like children after all."
After my speech, I took a sip of my Chai that was cold by now. I was exhausted after talking so much. My friend looked at me like what I just said was crap. For a moment, I felt that she thought I was nuts for telling her all this. She who doubted me, must have been convinced that married life had jaded me after this talk. But then as I was giving up on her, she reached for my hand and squeezed it hard. I could see the tears she was trying to hold back. She said to me:
"Thank you for telling me the truth. Promise that you will always do so even if I do not want to hear it. Promise you will be by my side when I am happy or devastated in my marriage. I need you. I may not agree with everything you say. Hell, I even think you are nuts for telling me some of that stuff. But I am happy you did because I needed it. And let us face it, you have been married longer than I even had a serious relationship. So I trust you."
I squeezed her hand back and together we tried not to let the tears coming to our eyes, roll on our Chais.
